Among the parents I coach, I find that that one nearly universal issue arises at some point in the coaching process: How do we take the pain out of bedtime? Here are some solutions to this often-frustrating everyday issue.
Set up a family meeting. Using the same technique you would with a respected adult, ask your child if she will be available at 7 p.m. on Tuesday to discuss an important issue. She may even want to check to be sure she is available! This gives the child a sense of being respected and also infuses a feeling of importance into a troubling issue. I recommend this approach for any topic that needs discussion in your family life.
Use the meeting to lay out the issue of bedtime squabbles as objectively as you can. You might say something like, I have noticed that we are having trouble settling down without an argument at bedtime. I know that when this happens, I get upset, and I imagine that you do, too. I would like to see us have a peaceful bedtime instead, and I am now opening up the discussion to everyone for solutions. What ideas do you have that might help our bedtime go more smoothly?
Listen intently to everyone's input, from the oldest parent to the youngest child. Ask for clarification if something isn't clear. Write suggestions down; this helps everyone feel respected and heard. Remember, caring is defined as close attention. This is a fabulous way to give everyone close attention. Don't forget to include your own suggestions as you write. Make every effort to incorporate at least one idea from each family member. There may be several good ones, and if you have too many, consider using them on alternate evenings.
Use The Nurtured Heart Approach (from Howard Glassers book, Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach) for bedtime behavior management. Establish the rules for bedtimes with the child's input. Rules should start with no: no getting out of bed once the light is out, no asking for more time, no stalling, no negotiating, no whining, no bothering your sister, no crying, no excuses. Children know what the rules are, and the ones they offer will typically be more stringent than yours. Use the child's rules religiously whenever practical, as this creates buy-in, which strengthens the likelihood that the rules will be followed. The clearer the rules are, the easier it is for the child to follow them.
If a rule is broken, there is an immediate, non-negotiable time-out. A gentle, unemotional Oops, broke a rule time-out, is all that is needed. Time-out should take place in the bed, since that is where the child needs to be, and should last one minute for each year of the child's age. No energy (no talking, no negotiating, no engagement of any sort) should be directed to the child during time-out. If the child refuses to go to time-out, take him by the hand and lead him there, with the firm conviction that you have decided that it is bedtime, and there will be no change in your decision. The time-out doesn't begin until the child is calm, and therefore cant end until then either. This system builds a sense of security in the child. It implies that you are in charge, and also that you have complete faith that she can go to sleep on her own. All requests for behavior should start with, I need you to rather than questions such as, Would you please or Would you like to which imply a choice. Remember, when you are clear and certain, you are giving your child a huge gift. It may take several nights of this clarity for the child to adjust to the routine, but it will be well worth the effort. Every minute you spend making this work now will pay off significantly in the future. You are teaching your child that she can go to sleep on her own just like a big person. This is very valuable information for her, as it will help her to believe in herself in other areas, too.
For steps that are completed with cooperation, use heartfelt appreciation to show that you are noticing and valuing her actions. This creates a powerful time-in which strengthens the desired behavior significantly. You might say, I see that you have your teeth brushed and are headed for your room. Thank you so much for following our plan, Kristi. Every time you do this stuff, I feel like you are making this house such a wonderful place to live! Using the formula When you'll feel because for this feedback makes remembering how to deliver it much easier. (For more information on The Nurtured Heart Approach, visit www.nurturedheart.com.)
Set a definite bedtime. Younger children should go to bed earlier than the older ones if there is an age difference of two years or more. Usually a half hour is ample time to separate the two bedtimes. If you have four or more children, you may want to make bedtime more uniform so that you assure your adult time at the end of the day. This is very important. Knowing that you, as a single parent or with your spouse or partner, can definitely count on some winding down time helps you to handle the challenges that will come tomorrow. Do not consider this optional. You need your time alone or time together. It is very good modeling for your children, as well. They need to know that time to oneself or as a couple is vital to healthy adult living, and that it also assures that mom and dad will be in a much better mood tomorrow.
Include any special rituals in the bedtime routine that the children deem important, and that are acceptable to you. Rituals might be as simple as: wash your face and brush your teeth, take a drink of water, put on p.j.s, say goodnight to the fish, read with mom or dad, settle in for sleep. To communicate respect for her process, indicate that you are as bought in to the ritual as is the child; be sure to remind her to say goodnight to the fish if she forgets. Rituals are very important for children's transition to the next activity, especially at bedtime. They provide a sense of continuity and comfort, which is vitally important to raising healthy kids. Reading together is my favorite bedtime ritual, as it points out that you value reading and learning, it offers a great opportunity for snuggling, and most important, it truly allows the child to feel your slowed-down, caring energy.
Requests for extending the reading time will be lovingly denied when lights out time has arrived. Make a comment such as, It makes me so proud to see that you love to read this much, Honey, but tomorrow is another day, and you can read during any free time you have. Now I need to see the light out. Good night. I love you very much.
Then leave the room and consider the day with children completed (unless, of course, there is a true illness.)
Copyright © Tina Feigal 2011
Be sure to check back next week for the conclusion of this article which will include troubleshooting, and an example of implementation.
At the end of this series, Tina will be answering questions submitted by you, our readers, on taking the pain out of bedtime at your house. Questions can be submitted by commenting below or emailing me at michellee@macaronikid.com
Learn more about Tina, her practice and her book, “The Pocket Coach for Parents” at www.parentingmojo.com
